The question came fast, cold, sharp, “Why do marriages end?” I found myself with no immediate response while the voice asked, looking tired to me, and words echoed in my ears. I could have answered that there are several factors and that almost always the fault is reciprocal in couples. But I preferred to avoid the easy way out and I understood then that the questioning was not due to mere curiosity, but an absolute necessity for that lady to understand the reasons for the dissolution of her most beautiful dream in life. Her marriage of almost two decades was unraveling.
It is a fact that there is a number of problems in the day-to-day of any married couple that contribute to reduce to powder the initial feeling of love that approached them. But it is not still less true that in such cases, the initial feeling of love was not very well founded.
It is known that financial difficulties, unemployment, illness, misunderstandings, jealousy and
distrust of any kind, can prejudice the marriage. Moreover, their day-by-day living have to be a continuous and lovely process, every day, without interruption. The routine, the intimate knowledge of each character and traits (as they reveal the actual facets of personality of each spouse) should not be used as an argument for their detachment.
In any relationship – domestic or professional – people appear who stand out for having stronger personality; they are born dominant. However, if there is LOVE, there will be no shame or annulling sense by admitting the fact that he or she is always right or want to dominate any situation.
Differences in education is also not enough of an argument to justify any separation. If so, doctors only would marry doctor, graduates only with graduates and illiterates with illiterate. Fortunately it is not what we see.
As we are not able to exhaust the possible arguments known in psychology, philosophy and related sciences, even because we would not have room for such a comment without tiring readers, let’s try to understand this problem through its spiritual point of view.
It is well-known the claim that “Luck does not exist.” And it does not exist! The Spiritualist literature, through various authors with well-known inspiration and also with several collaborations from authors already disembodied, offers us many texts on the subject that allows us to understand that marriages have their genesis in predetermination, without it we cannot understand its “when”. In fact, the construction of family groups facilitate the payments of debts incurred in the past and present numerous situations: loving situations that culminated in tragedy; abandonment of the home, neglect of the spouse and offspring; favoring and stimulating the development of love, to either eliminate the past debt or incur additional debts.
Lovers are much closer one to another due to necessity of mutual payments of bad actions in the past than truly the feeling of love or physical desire or even by the imposition of reproduction. But it is obvious that if it was not the first spark of love which provoked the desire to be close, redemptions would never be achieved.
Much more important to understand why marriages come to an end, is to try to understand the “why” we got married with our current partners. If this exercise is practiced and understood their likely responses – because the answers always come! -, the level of tolerance, understanding, respect and – why not? – the very feeling of Love in relation to the spouse would be reinforced. So marriages no longer would end because marriages would be understood as a natural way to strengthen the real Love that should prevail between souls in creation and never be extinguished because it is our passport to companionship in eternity.
Martins Peralva, a Brazilian Spiritism author wrote in his book “ESTUDANDO A MEDIUNIDADE (STUDYING MEDIUMSHIP)” chapter. 18, that marriages on Earth can be classified into 5 distinct classes: Accidental, ordeal, sacrificial, suchlike, (higher affinity) and transcendent.
Although the author gives us brief definition of each type, we avail ourselves from help from another author, Gerson Simões Monteiro in an essay published in CORREIO ESPÍRITA (http://www.correioespirita.org.br) as follows:
“ACCIDENTAL is the meeting inferior souls without spiritual ancestors.
Characterized by a lack of affective connection. The primary attraction is given by the lower impulses of the couple. The relationship is devoid of sympathy or antipathy. Such marriages occur in large numbers and, according to Peralva it can even to succeed, it is possible for spouses to adapt to each other, strengthening the union in time.
ORDEALS: Reencounter of souls for readjustments necessary for their evolution.
These type are the most frequent. It is for this reason that there are so many homes where reigns disharmony, dominated by the distrust, where moral conflicts which become so often in painful tragedies. God allows their union, through the laws of the world, so that, by daily companionship, the highest law, brotherhood, be performed by them in common struggles. The evangelical understanding, the goodwill, tolerance and humility are virtues that work in the manner of a soft damper.
SACRIFICIAL: God allows, then, the reunion of enlightened soul with inferior soul, in order to redeem what was lost along the way.
Putting together souls, possessors of virtues to others with opposite feelings. It happens when a soul enlightened by spiritual knowledge proposes helping that one that was late in the upward journey.
As the word itself suggests, it is the sacrifice’s marriage to one of them. The sacrifice can be for women as for men. Who loves cannot be happy if left in the rear, tortured and suffering, the object of its affection. The soul comes back and then, as a spouse (husband or wife), receives the latecomer wayfaring giving its love and its light, stimulating the evolutionary journey for the other.
SUCHLIKE: Heartfelt friends are reunited by the law of affinity for consolidation of their affects.
These are enlightened souls that love each other so much. They are spirits who, through marriage, in the sweet warmth of home, consolidate old bonds of affection.
TRANSCENDENT: are souls aggrandized in the Good that seek one another to immortal achievements.
They consist of souls that meet again on the physical plane, to the great achievements of general interest. The lives of these couples have a higher purpose. The ideal of the Good and the Beautiful fills their hours and minutes fulfilling their souls with sweet venture above any earthly vulgarities above the lower emotions, with pure and holy love.”
Now we bring here the word of Martins Peralva warning readers that “Of course, the marriage institution, sacred in its origins, has gathered under the same roof the various evolutionary types, which demonstrates that the union on earth works, sometimes as a means of consolidation of pure spiritual kinship ties, and in other cases, mostly as adjustment tool.”
We also have valuable guidance of Spiritual Friends
“How many disastrous marriages are due to the fact that they were built on calculated interest or vanity, in which the heart took no part!
Is the law of love taken into consideration in ordinary conditions within marriage? Not in the least. The mutual sentiments of two beings who are attracted one to the other are not consulted, since in the majority of cases this sentiment is severed. What is looked for is not the satisfaction of the heart but that of pride, vanity and cupidity; in a word, all material interests.
We have unhappy marriages which end up becoming criminal, which is a double disgrace that could have been avoided if, on establishing the conditions for that marriage, the law of love which is the only law sanctioning the union in the eyes of God, had not been abstracted. When God said: “And they twain shall be one flesh,” and when Jesus said: “What God hath joined together let no man put asunder,” these words should he understood as a reference to the union according to God’s immutable law and not according to the mutable laws of Man.”
At the end, allow us to suggest reading and rereading the book “And life goes on …” by André Luiz, Spirit, a guidance book received from the always fraternal friend pencil through late Chico Xavier. That text is very instructive about marriages here and beyond, clarifying our ideas about such a sacred subject.
To learn more about the hurdles and obstacles we must journey through in our life, read The Problem is the Solution: 7 Life Complications Sent to Test and Teach You. It will help you understand why you must experience the trials assigned to you.